Oh the amateur move us lesbians make upon falling in love with our girlfriends. The pivotal moment of our lives when we decide to cohabitate with the woman we’ve just met who seems absolutely perfect in every single way! Why wouldn’t we rent a U-Haul and merge our living space with this ravishing human being? She’s the one!
Maybe she’s your best friend and you’ve known each other for years. Or maybe you met on a dating app and it was love at first sight. Regardless of the circumstances, an impulsive lesbian U-Haul never ends well…so why try to break the stereotype?
I would be lying if I said that moving in with my best friend who I had just started dating seemed like a great idea. I knew that there was no way in hell our relationship was ever going to last if we moved in together right away. Ignoring my intuition, I decided to take the leap and give it my best shot!
This might possibly have been one of the worst decisions I have ever made.
At first (and I mean literally the first 30 days) everything was great. I came home from work to a clean apartment and dinner waiting for me. The dogs had been taken out and we spent our evenings cuddled up on the couch drinking wine and indulging in our favourite movies.
Don’t even get me started on our sex life! We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Hours would pass and before I knew it I was rolling over at 3am exhausted from the plethora of orgasms that defined our intimate relationship. I was living the fairytale I had always dreamed of and counting my lucky stars as I’d drift away into a peaceful slumber.
Little did I know our days were numbered. This honeymoon phase was short lived and my perfect little life was about to come to a screeching halt!
I quickly realized that she was not a morning person. Not a single fibre of her being was pleasant to deal with before noon (if I was fortunate enough to wake her up before then). My dogs drove her nuts and I had suddenly become the sole caretaker of her dog as well. The dishes had swallowed our kitchen whole and the corner of our bedroom had become a mountain of dirty laundry that she assured me she would wash…eventually.
This is not what I had signed up for. We were arguing ALL the time over sharing household responsibilities and whose turn it was to do what. It was downright exhausting! In the blink of an eye our relationship began to deteriorate and I was frantically searching for a non-existent reset button. Abort mission! Send help!
6 months later I found my own place and we decided to live separately. Neither one of us could handle living in such a stressful and toxic environment anymore and were willing to take a step back if it meant saving our relationship (or what was left of it).
Unfortunately the damage was already done. I’ll admit, our living situation wasn’t the sole reason for our breakup but it certainly didn’t help. After spending several months in therapy, I was able to recognize that she was a toxic and manipulative partner and our separation was actually a blessing in disguise (thank you universe).
Nonetheless, it was a lesson I needed to learn. It’s taught me a thing or two about dating and how to make decisions that support my mental health. Living this nightmare has allowed me to reassess the way in which I view relationships and the types of people I attract into my life.
This one goes out to all of my fellow queers. If you’ve found yourself head over heels in love and are contemplating a good old lesbian U-Haul, I encourgae you take the following into consideration…before you start packing.
Get to Know Your SO
Am I at all surprised that my ex turned out to be the devil reincarnated? Ok, that’s a bit extreme…but also accurate. No, no I’m not. Despite having been friends with her for 2 years prior to dating, I met her during a time in my life where I was really struggling with my addiction. She was in the same boat desperately trying to get over her ex when we met at the club I worked at. We were both hitting the bottle HARD and it only makes sense that our connection flourished from there.
Get to know your SO before you make any serious, life altering decisions together. I’m begging you! The last thing you want is to end up in a situation in any way similar to mine. Take the time to learn their behavioural patterns, what makes them tick, and their problem solving abilities and willingness to compromise. If your personalities don’t compliment each other, stop packing your precious belongings into that cardboard box and start being honest with yourself.
Spend Time in One Anothers Space
It’s a pretty clear indicator of how your partner keeps their space when you show up to Netflix and chill and their place is an absolute mess. If living in a tidy space isn’t important to you then it’s possible you’ve found your perfect match. Otherwise…red flag! I was easily deceived by the empty promises and initial “good behaviour” to see the shiny red flags mounted in the heaps of clutter and disorganization. I should have known better and that is 100% on me.
Don’t be afraid to spend a good chunk of time at your partner’s place before deciding whether or not the two of you should move in together. How someone operates in their own environment will give you valuable insight into what living with them will be like.
Are they a morning or night person? Do they pick up after themselves? Do they cook? Buy groceries? Take care of their pets? Make lists when certain household items run out? (No one wants to find out they’ve run out of TP while stranded in the washroom).
Do some investigating! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with loving someone and deciding to live separately if you already know that you operate on different wavelengths. Just save yourself the headache and stick to having them over a few times a week.
Set Clear Expectations
If you’ve taken some time getting to know your partner and their current living situation doesn’t send you spiralling into a full blown mental breakdown, you’re on the right path. This is where setting clear expectations comes into play and you really don’t want to forget this step!
I recently moved in with my best friend. Due to previous living experiences, we set our expectations from the very beginning (prior to the actual move) to ensure we were both on the same page. Some important topics we touched base on were, having people over, cleanliness, shared responsibilities, personal time, and routine.
Whether you’re in a relationship or living with roommates, it’s imperative that you take the time to set your expectations and respect your shared living space. This prevents unexpected surprises that could potentially interfere with the other person’s schedule and leave them feeling uncomfortable in their safe space.
Communicate your needs and be willing to compromise when necessary.
Healthy relationships take time and a significant amount of effort to build. Merging your lives may seem like the next step but it is important that you approach the situation with caution. This is one of those follow your head instead of your heart moments (unless you enjoy the drama and chaos surrounding an impulsive lesbian U-Haul) by all means have at er!
In all seriousness, get to know your SO, spend time in one anothers space, and set clear expectations. There’s nothing worse than experiencing immense heartbreak while simultaneously flipping through Craigslist add’s in search of a new apartment because you accidentally moved in with a narcissistic tornado determined to ruin your life.
Do yourself and your mental health a favour by easing your way into the situation and acknowledging red flags when they come up. Preferably before the U-Haul is packed ladies.
Beautiful Train Wreck